currently in the process of moving to wordpress

Blogger has been good to me. I've been on here for more than 5 years now, switching from one blog to another, pretending I'm at LJ when I secretly blog here. Forcing friends to join me here. Leaving them again. Deleting blogs, making new ones. It's been great. But I need a change.

I don't even know if anyone reads my blog, but if there is someone out there, please know that you'll hear from me soon enough. Life's just been tough is all.

And here I am, a pathetic bun of messy hair. Writing
coffee shop poetry in table napkins because I'm "oh-so-artistic".
All I'm left with are thoughts, being forced into writing.
But tell me:
your dark amber eyes,
your intoxicating smile,
your voice like whiskey-
                                How do I write them?

Labels: i write about love sometimes, i wrote a poem, love

 You waited for me in the rain
In the parking lot
Cold hands, lips blue
Clothes stuck to you 

Andrew McMahon

 A confession:
Someday we'll be married
and everyone will hate us. Not you and me individually, but us, as a whole. Us together. And we won't care, because we're happy and as unconventional we may be, we are one - an odd mixture of unlikeliness. But after that we'll die. Atomic fission and we're two individuals again because I'll give in to pressure and you'll give up on me and I'll hurt you because I chose them over you and as you walk away you wait for my voice to call your name, wait for my voice to ask you to stay, wait for my touch: to hug you and beg you never to leave, but what you only hear are the faint click clacks of my stilettos, and silent sobs of self-loathe as I walk the other direction. I'm a coward. You don't deserve me, so take this confession as a warning. I'm not worth it.

longing sighs as he smiles while looking at his phone. im not even being subtle as i stare anymore

there’s something about catching you trying to steal glances during free time in class while I’m listening to some indie love song. there’s something about you trying to look away when you see me look at you. there’s something about you slowly looking again checking if i’m still looking at you. there’s something about me pretending to look at the clock but seeing you looking at me instead. there’s something about you.

I'll get over him soon, but for now, let me enjoy these little moments. I don't even care if I'm deluding myself.

Labels: i write about love sometimes, love

Hello hello my little corner of the internet!

1. I'm admitting that I'm such a cliche: I watched The Vow on Valentine's Day. It was sweet. I really like the fact that the girl never *SPOILER* regained her memory, and that it's based in real life. It was actually really funny because when I read that she never regained her memory and the movie ended I immediately started talking to my friend and I told her how amazing it was that this movie proves that in the end it's not the situations, the timing, or maybe even the personality of people that bring us together. In the end it's just really the two people, in the end they're just going to find each other whatever happens. It's not where which couch in whichever quint little cafe we're sitting on during whatever time, it's not what colour hair she/he has or what school she/he is from, because in this movie, they might've met the first time through that, might've fallen in love at first through that, but when those things were taken out, when she forgot everything and turned into an entirely new person, they still found each other. I don't know if I'm reading too much into this, but I feel like this movie confirmed the theory of having "The One". I don't know I must be a total loser who's over analyzing this to fill myself up with false hope that I will find the one someday, and no matter how much I screw up, we'll find each other still. Anyway, the funny part was that this guy who's sitting in front of me looked at me when I said that to my friend, and then he looked at his girlfriend and he smiled. Well, okay that wasn't funny. That actually felt kind of nice.

2. I've been going to the gym frequently for two straight weeks now. I'm somehow proud of it, but I don't enjoy it. I badly want to run outside, not in some secluded room with white walls. I want to be able to feel the icy breeze strike my skin, the ache of my leg muscles in every single step, and the calmness of running away from everything: cars, people, trees, sidewalks. Someday, when I find the time, I will run outside.

3. I've applied to all of the universities/colleges that I planned on applying to. It's nerve-racking really. There's so much good things about all of them, and I'm just hoping that fate will take over and I'll only get in the one school I'm meant to go to. I don't want to have to choose. Just the idea is making me nauseous. I have this strong feeling that my parents will let me do all the decision making. Not once did they comment about the schools I've applied to and WHY I'm applying to them. For my entire Grade 11 year I've been so scared to tell them that I'm applying in University of Toronto because I had a feeling that they do not want me to move out since a. It's extremely expensive. b. It'll bring the family apart. But, when I was asking them for the money to send my application, they gave the credit card and didn't ask much questions. It's scaring because if ever I do get admitted to UofT and they allow me to study there, I  don't know! It's been my dream school, but at the same time I had been expecting that they won't let me study there so I never even thought about what it would be like to move out. Anyway I don't think about this aspect of my life as much right now. So far I'm taking things one day at a time (which is something I've NEVER done ever. I always planned out my life. When I was bored I would make charts, lists, collages, stories, of what my future would possibly be like. Now I don't even know!)

4. Life has been tiring lately. I'm not even sure why. I've been so sleepy, and I would wake up late too. Work has been eating up a LOT of my time too. I feel like I don't have ANY time for myself anymore, because whatever time I have for myself, I use it up so I could hang out with my friends. (Since some of them are Grade 11 and I'm Grade 12 and I'm really really trying to make sure I spend as much time as I could with them.) Sometimes I just want to sit down and cry, because I used to do that to de-stress. Everything is EXTREMELY overwhelming. I want to just sit down and be calm but I have so much things to think about, so I end up just sleeping, which in turn makes me lazy and unable to work. I never have time for coffee anymore (until today), which is killing me because coffee is the only thing fueling me, now I do one thing and I get tired, then I try to do something and I just fall asleep. UGH. I don't even know. I'm a mess.

5. I told myself that I will read books to de-stress, I even bought a copy of Ender's Game. Yeah. No progress. 

6. Let's talk about the boy with dark eyes. He hasn't been going to any of our classes together this week. I want you all to know that I have been trying so HARD, since the start of the year, to not like him. I can't even say out loud that I like him. I get... icky. I really really just want to smile at him and just get this whole thing over with already! But I can't because I'm a coward and I just KNOW that he doesn't like me back and ughhh. He wasn't in class during Valentine's Day and gaaah I'm so frustrated. I don't even want him to like me back because shit just can't happen between us. I can't ever imagine us together, or whatever "together" we'll have is just too... wrong. But just ughhh... why won't he like me?!!!!! Do I have to sing Grace Kelly to him every time I go to class? Do I have to grab him by the collar and ask "I could be brown I could be blue I could be violet sky. Why don't you like me why don't you like me?" Okay I'm sorry I'm just gonna shut up now.
7. I don't know but I feel like sometimes we read so much that we lose ourselves in other people's words.

Labels: a day in the life, nocturnal thoughts, nonsense